Walls Closing
New School
Client Crush
Silent Treatment
Fuck Off
Pressure's On
Party Planning
Hugging Rabbi
Sob-fest
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
What a weird day... not at all what I expected. But a chance meeting ended up having such an impact on my life, that it left me emotional and tearful. This post may be a sob-fest for me...
In a nutshell: I met new slide-client from last week to discuss a new job. Like I said before, I like him - we've spoken quite a bit on the phone since the job - he's easy to talk to etc etc...
This is going to be hard to explain.
We have quite an easy and open way of conversing, and I found myself looking quite forward to our meeting, not in a romantic way, but the idea of sitting with someone and having a nice, interesting conversation is so appealing to me. But there is some kind of weird tension between us, and today he just said to me, in between explain about all the boring work stuff.. "don't you feel we have some sort of connection?", and I just didn't know what to say, and he seemed quite taken aback by his own comment, and we were both a little dorky after that, but i left feeling so shaken up and emotional.
This is really going to be hard to explain.
Just yesterday after I got my threesome offer, I realised how much I have changed, and how bad I feel about myself. In all my previous relationships, despite their problems, I was always loved and cherished and respected. My partners had been in love with me, attracted to me, and I had felt like a confident strong woman. This current relationship has really left me (cue the dramatics) empty and broken. I have no self confidence, terrible self-esteem and i just hate myself basically. I hate that this Partner-person has let me get this way about myself (and yes, I can hear all the buddhists in the background saying, It's not about him, it's about you). I know I know, but What The Hell Was I Thinking. Partner-person has never ever (not an exaggeration) asked me ANYTHING about my life. Not "what music do you like", "what's your favourite movie" nothing. And I know this makes you all wonder "So what did you see in him? There must have been something?" Well no. He was and is the biggest mistake of my life, apart from the 2 amazing beautiful angel children he spawned. I might be sounding quite hard on him, because he is not an evil monster, but he is just so wrong for me, and I absolutely hatethe person I am when he is around.
But back to the story. 5 years ago I would have felt confident enough to consider a threesome, but yesterday the thought just terrified me. And it left me thinking if I would ever be able to open myself up to anyone again. At that moment I couldn't even imagine lying with one person and having him hold me or touch me without cringeing, and the thought made me very very sad at all that spark and magic I have lost, and it also made me angry, because I used to be such an affectionate and loving person in my romantic relationships, and now I go cold at the slightest touch from Partner-person. So today, when Slide-client was actually looking at me and asking me things about my life and myself, I just didn't know how to respond, and his comment about us having a connection just cracked something open in me... almost like there is a hope that I could be myself again, and that someday someone could actually cherish me. And I was and am so relieved and devastated that there is still that emotion in me, that I am not just all about anger and nastiness and ugliness. That there could still be some beauty and magic one day.
What also contributed to the emotion after my meeting, was that I now I have no doubt that I no longer want to be in this relationship. I have been so scared about that, wondering f I am making a mistake, and just scared of what the future will bring, but I just know, that I can no longer live in this empty hollow environment. I want to teach my children better. I want to show them what good feelings and good actions are about. And I am still terrified, because I will have to share them, and I don't want to be without them, and I am scared for them and sad for them and sad for me and sad for Partner-person. But I have to do this...
Like I said... sob-fest
More tomorrow
In a nutshell: I met new slide-client from last week to discuss a new job. Like I said before, I like him - we've spoken quite a bit on the phone since the job - he's easy to talk to etc etc...
This is going to be hard to explain.
We have quite an easy and open way of conversing, and I found myself looking quite forward to our meeting, not in a romantic way, but the idea of sitting with someone and having a nice, interesting conversation is so appealing to me. But there is some kind of weird tension between us, and today he just said to me, in between explain about all the boring work stuff.. "don't you feel we have some sort of connection?", and I just didn't know what to say, and he seemed quite taken aback by his own comment, and we were both a little dorky after that, but i left feeling so shaken up and emotional.
This is really going to be hard to explain.
Just yesterday after I got my threesome offer, I realised how much I have changed, and how bad I feel about myself. In all my previous relationships, despite their problems, I was always loved and cherished and respected. My partners had been in love with me, attracted to me, and I had felt like a confident strong woman. This current relationship has really left me (cue the dramatics) empty and broken. I have no self confidence, terrible self-esteem and i just hate myself basically. I hate that this Partner-person has let me get this way about myself (and yes, I can hear all the buddhists in the background saying, It's not about him, it's about you). I know I know, but What The Hell Was I Thinking. Partner-person has never ever (not an exaggeration) asked me ANYTHING about my life. Not "what music do you like", "what's your favourite movie" nothing. And I know this makes you all wonder "So what did you see in him? There must have been something?" Well no. He was and is the biggest mistake of my life, apart from the 2 amazing beautiful angel children he spawned. I might be sounding quite hard on him, because he is not an evil monster, but he is just so wrong for me, and I absolutely hatethe person I am when he is around.
But back to the story. 5 years ago I would have felt confident enough to consider a threesome, but yesterday the thought just terrified me. And it left me thinking if I would ever be able to open myself up to anyone again. At that moment I couldn't even imagine lying with one person and having him hold me or touch me without cringeing, and the thought made me very very sad at all that spark and magic I have lost, and it also made me angry, because I used to be such an affectionate and loving person in my romantic relationships, and now I go cold at the slightest touch from Partner-person. So today, when Slide-client was actually looking at me and asking me things about my life and myself, I just didn't know how to respond, and his comment about us having a connection just cracked something open in me... almost like there is a hope that I could be myself again, and that someday someone could actually cherish me. And I was and am so relieved and devastated that there is still that emotion in me, that I am not just all about anger and nastiness and ugliness. That there could still be some beauty and magic one day.
What also contributed to the emotion after my meeting, was that I now I have no doubt that I no longer want to be in this relationship. I have been so scared about that, wondering f I am making a mistake, and just scared of what the future will bring, but I just know, that I can no longer live in this empty hollow environment. I want to teach my children better. I want to show them what good feelings and good actions are about. And I am still terrified, because I will have to share them, and I don't want to be without them, and I am scared for them and sad for them and sad for me and sad for Partner-person. But I have to do this...
Like I said... sob-fest
More tomorrow
Two words Tuesday
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Meditation Concentration
Be Now
Threesome Offer
New School
Rotting Carrots
Voetsek Mommy
Expensive Expenses
What Tiles
More Tutorials
Be Now
Threesome Offer
New School
Rotting Carrots
Voetsek Mommy
Expensive Expenses
What Tiles
More Tutorials
Change Shmange
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Sometimes things just seem like they don't change at all... all these months trying improve my list of things that need improving, and I am pretty much nowhere.
New friends: none
Thinner: no
Fashion revival: not thinner, so I just wear what fits
Emancipation: God help me, but nothing happening there except self-doubt
More work: YES YES YES!
Home decor: More work = No time for home decor.
Meditating and exploring buddhism: getting there slowly, and enjoying the journey.
Juicing: hmm, sitting with a 2.5kg bag of carrots in the fridge, so let's see how that goes tomorrow
Bucket-list: what bucket list?
Certain things make me happy, but I wouldn't say I'm in a happy place in my life at the moment. I really want to be the person I should be and be living the life I should be living. Damn, why is it so hard? We're all racing towards death, but we act like we have endless days to squander on sulking and complaining, and I am especially guilty. I keep saying "When this or that happens, then I will be happy", but that is really rubbish isn't it? I just want to have a peaceful and calm daily life and then I really believe that I can be start getting better, but I'm worried that I'm putting too much focus on that, and that once I'm alone, I'll still be a mean, angry person.
Anyway, not sure any of this makes sense, but at least the rant is over.
Goodnight imaginary readers
New friends: none
Thinner: no
Fashion revival: not thinner, so I just wear what fits
Emancipation: God help me, but nothing happening there except self-doubt
More work: YES YES YES!
Home decor: More work = No time for home decor.
Meditating and exploring buddhism: getting there slowly, and enjoying the journey.
Juicing: hmm, sitting with a 2.5kg bag of carrots in the fridge, so let's see how that goes tomorrow
Bucket-list: what bucket list?
Certain things make me happy, but I wouldn't say I'm in a happy place in my life at the moment. I really want to be the person I should be and be living the life I should be living. Damn, why is it so hard? We're all racing towards death, but we act like we have endless days to squander on sulking and complaining, and I am especially guilty. I keep saying "When this or that happens, then I will be happy", but that is really rubbish isn't it? I just want to have a peaceful and calm daily life and then I really believe that I can be start getting better, but I'm worried that I'm putting too much focus on that, and that once I'm alone, I'll still be a mean, angry person.
Anyway, not sure any of this makes sense, but at least the rant is over.
Goodnight imaginary readers
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