Faith like potatoes

I'm terrified and nervous. There are foreign evil things in my dad's body and I don't know what to do. I would gladly take on those fuckers if I could, because I believe that I have the mental strength and belief to heal myself if necessary. I really believe in the power of the mind, and I'm just scared that he doesn't. In my day dreams, he becomes all new-age and drinks smelly teas and chants and mingles with robe-wearing gurus and heals himself chop-chop. Not quite realistic.

Anyway, I just want the docs appointment to come tomorrow and for them to leave with a clear plan and not even more bad news. And most of all, I don't want my dad to get scared. I want him to feel positive, but realistic that it will difficult, but doable. I don't want him to lay his head down at night and feel like he is going to die. Well, we are all going to die aren't we? That thought is quite reassuring actually.

But faith.. now that's another story. People say, just have faith. Faith is just another name for positive thinking isn't it? Why does faith just have a reference to God and Jesus? I have faith in the power of the mind, in some sort of spiritual after-life, in some sort of God. Someone told me today: Just leave it in God's hands. What does that mean? Why would I leave it in God's hands. Why did God put the bad stuff in there in the first place? As I type that, I immediately feel my inherent catholic guilt rearing it's fiery head. The buddhists would say it's my dad's karma, but i don't get that. I understand Karma in terms of actions, but certainly not with this. Why is it my karma to suffer because my father who i love is sick? What actions of my dad's caused this to come back to him? I know I'm thinking of it too literally, and now I'm not making sense even to myself.

I don't know exactly what I believe right now, but I don't think I believe in a serene looking man in the clouds that loves us all and doesn't want us to suffer. My vote definitely goes more towards the thinking that our thoughts become action. We create our own realities... just look at me. Since I can remember, i have seen myself as middle aged and single, and look where I'm headed.


As a postscript to myself, my 2 followers and my Imaginary Readers, I must make it clear that everything I write is not written to try and be a good or witty writer, or to get reactions. I know it makes a difference when you know people are reading your posts, but it's important to me that I keep this blog about me and healing me and helping me, and not just for entertainment. I do love blogging though. Its so different to writing a journal. I read somewhere that you can export your blog and have it printed as a book. I would like to do that one day.


PS. VAT is about 10% done. Looks like I'll be paying penalties. F**K

Toilet time. iPad / Book?