I'm terrified and nervous. There are foreign evil things in my dad's body and I don't know what to do. I would gladly take on those fuckers if I could, because I believe that I have the mental strength and belief to heal myself if necessary. I really believe in the power of the mind, and I'm just scared that he doesn't. In my day dreams, he becomes all new-age and drinks smelly teas and chants and mingles with robe-wearing gurus and heals himself chop-chop. Not quite realistic.
Anyway, I just want the docs appointment to come tomorrow and for them to leave with a clear plan and not even more bad news. And most of all, I don't want my dad to get scared. I want him to feel positive, but realistic that it will difficult, but doable. I don't want him to lay his head down at night and feel like he is going to die. Well, we are all going to die aren't we? That thought is quite reassuring actually.
But faith.. now that's another story. People say, just have faith. Faith is just another name for positive thinking isn't it? Why does faith just have a reference to God and Jesus? I have faith in the power of the mind, in some sort of spiritual after-life, in some sort of God. Someone told me today: Just leave it in God's hands. What does that mean? Why would I leave it in God's hands. Why did God put the bad stuff in there in the first place? As I type that, I immediately feel my inherent catholic guilt rearing it's fiery head. The buddhists would say it's my dad's karma, but i don't get that. I understand Karma in terms of actions, but certainly not with this. Why is it my karma to suffer because my father who i love is sick? What actions of my dad's caused this to come back to him? I know I'm thinking of it too literally, and now I'm not making sense even to myself.
I don't know exactly what I believe right now, but I don't think I believe in a serene looking man in the clouds that loves us all and doesn't want us to suffer. My vote definitely goes more towards the thinking that our thoughts become action. We create our own realities... just look at me. Since I can remember, i have seen myself as middle aged and single, and look where I'm headed.
As a postscript to myself, my 2 followers and my Imaginary Readers, I must make it clear that everything I write is not written to try and be a good or witty writer, or to get reactions. I know it makes a difference when you know people are reading your posts, but it's important to me that I keep this blog about me and healing me and helping me, and not just for entertainment. I do love blogging though. Its so different to writing a journal. I read somewhere that you can export your blog and have it printed as a book. I would like to do that one day.
PS. VAT is about 10% done. Looks like I'll be paying penalties. F**K
Toilet time. iPad / Book?
The Big C
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
for Crap and Cancer and Can't do it and Catheter hell and Clean him up and Christ almighty and Chemo sucks and please please please let him be ok.
Little Miss Angry
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
So I want to recap what I heard tonight at my meditation group. Once again, it was like the whole lesson / talk was made just for me. I can't believe that what she says can be so relevant, and it's a little comforting knowing that others might be feeling the same way and be experiencing the same issues with anger.
Let me try and remember:
(and always, her examples make it so easy to understand)
If you are annoyed with your partner for not taking the garbage out, you look at that fault, and you exaggerate that fault (you say "You never do what I ask, you never take out the garbage!), and then you make that person feel like an the enemy (you look at them like you don;t even like them, and you don't at all see the person that you were attracted to in the first place), and then you want to do harm to them (because you see them as the enemy, but in reality, they are the same person as ever)...hmm, that doesn't sound right, nor does it make any sense. I think I need to sleep on it.
So tonight's beverage of choice was a Seattle Freeze. Another rendezvous with my elderly Jewish friend, but this time I actually enjoyed it. Seems like he sees it as a regular thing, because after the class he said, let's go get our coffee. Anyway, we had a nice conversation and I got to know a little more about him. I love hearing people's life stories, and about their families and ancestry. He's into horticulture and has a nursery, 3 kids and an ex-wife in Australia, and a wifey over here who might not go with him when he emigrates next year. A little distracting though, are the spiky white hairs growing out from the tip and ridge of his nose, but I try not to judge.
Got nowhere today with Vat and nowhere with tutorials, but its ok. Because I'm not angry and apparently if I practice what I am learning, I can get to a point where I never have to be angry again. And I believe I can do it. Out teacher is such a serene calm person. She just looks Happy. What's nice is that she's honest about herself, and tells us stories of her experiences with rage and jealousy etc etc. Anyway, I'm really going to try and notice the steps that lead to my anger getting out of control... because it's all about me, not him.
..and g
ot a new book.. Here's anonymous me ready for a read. Another corny title, but there is such wisdom in those pages.
Now over to the real world and to do some late night work.. some admin methinks... Wish me luck!
Let me try and remember:
(and always, her examples make it so easy to understand)
If you are annoyed with your partner for not taking the garbage out, you look at that fault, and you exaggerate that fault (you say "You never do what I ask, you never take out the garbage!), and then you make that person feel like an the enemy (you look at them like you don;t even like them, and you don't at all see the person that you were attracted to in the first place), and then you want to do harm to them (because you see them as the enemy, but in reality, they are the same person as ever)...hmm, that doesn't sound right, nor does it make any sense. I think I need to sleep on it.
So tonight's beverage of choice was a Seattle Freeze. Another rendezvous with my elderly Jewish friend, but this time I actually enjoyed it. Seems like he sees it as a regular thing, because after the class he said, let's go get our coffee. Anyway, we had a nice conversation and I got to know a little more about him. I love hearing people's life stories, and about their families and ancestry. He's into horticulture and has a nursery, 3 kids and an ex-wife in Australia, and a wifey over here who might not go with him when he emigrates next year. A little distracting though, are the spiky white hairs growing out from the tip and ridge of his nose, but I try not to judge.
Got nowhere today with Vat and nowhere with tutorials, but its ok. Because I'm not angry and apparently if I practice what I am learning, I can get to a point where I never have to be angry again. And I believe I can do it. Out teacher is such a serene calm person. She just looks Happy. What's nice is that she's honest about herself, and tells us stories of her experiences with rage and jealousy etc etc. Anyway, I'm really going to try and notice the steps that lead to my anger getting out of control... because it's all about me, not him.
..and g
ot a new book.. Here's anonymous me ready for a read. Another corny title, but there is such wisdom in those pages.Now over to the real world and to do some late night work.. some admin methinks... Wish me luck!
Late start
New day, and I'm already running terrible late. Little squirrel still hasn't woken up and I was hoping to be showered and ready for my meeting so I could go straight from dropping him off. The nanny still hasn't arrived so that doesn't help either.
I hardly got anywhere with the Wordpress tutorials, and I realised that I'm lacking in a huge skill - PHP, so I switched over to that tutorial, but kept dozing off. I still have such a way to go before I'll be able to do t his rgent site that needs to get done this week.
As for my VAT - got nowhere with that. It's already the 22nd, and my accountant needs everything latest tomorrow. I have to input everything from November to Feb, in a new program I'm unfamiliar with, so yes, you guessed it - I'm screwed.
Annyywwaaayy, over to positive thinking mode...
My children are gorgeous and I can look forward to all the smiling they'll make me do. I'm still excited to learn my new programming skills and to see where they will take me, and I'm very excited to grow grow grow my business. And tonight is meditation, so I know I will at least come home this evening feeling hopeful that I can be a better person all the time.
I hardly got anywhere with the Wordpress tutorials, and I realised that I'm lacking in a huge skill - PHP, so I switched over to that tutorial, but kept dozing off. I still have such a way to go before I'll be able to do t his rgent site that needs to get done this week.
As for my VAT - got nowhere with that. It's already the 22nd, and my accountant needs everything latest tomorrow. I have to input everything from November to Feb, in a new program I'm unfamiliar with, so yes, you guessed it - I'm screwed.
Annyywwaaayy, over to positive thinking mode...
My children are gorgeous and I can look forward to all the smiling they'll make me do. I'm still excited to learn my new programming skills and to see where they will take me, and I'm very excited to grow grow grow my business. And tonight is meditation, so I know I will at least come home this evening feeling hopeful that I can be a better person all the time.
Eff You See Kay
Monday, March 21, 2011
I was looking forward to a productive long weekend, but oh well, no such thing. Mostly because my dad landed himself an extended stay in hospital, giving us all a bit of a scare. So I spent most of the weekend there... even missed Cirque d'Soleil, which suddenly didn't seem to be that important. So the Bucket-List is also going nowhere fast.
It was a good eating week. Or should I say not-eating week. For once I managed to control my man-sized appetite. I had coffee, juices, no bread or pasta at all, just veggies and some protein. Oops, and a pizza on Friday night. So with all that effort put in, I was really expecting to be rewarded with a skinny physique this morning, but apparently these things take time. So only 1kg less and less bloated, I'll carry on going, and will gracefully choose to ignore the peanut butter sarmie I just decided to have.
Onto other things, I didn't tell you last week that my new mommy friend that I picked up at the play venue texted me last week. She obviously didn't want to seem too desperate so she took her time. She asked if we could meet sometime for coffee. I said yes obviously, and told her I would contact her when I could, which I haven't done yet. Will definitely try for this week, but it's looking like a hectic one.
Since I turned 35, my age has really been bugging me. I really feel on the wrong side of 30. It's very different being closer to 40 then 30, and for the first time I find myself a bit nervous to tell people my age, especially these new young mommies. I mean, shouldn't a 35 year old be more mature then to make blind play dates? Shouldn't she already have a group of well established bosom buddies? Oh well , it is what it is, and I guess I have to take what I can get.
Little Baby Bird is 11 months today... where oh where has the year gone. She is ginormously cute and adorable. If you see her, you would also just want to eat her up.
Highlights coming up this week:
Bye
It was a good eating week. Or should I say not-eating week. For once I managed to control my man-sized appetite. I had coffee, juices, no bread or pasta at all, just veggies and some protein. Oops, and a pizza on Friday night. So with all that effort put in, I was really expecting to be rewarded with a skinny physique this morning, but apparently these things take time. So only 1kg less and less bloated, I'll carry on going, and will gracefully choose to ignore the peanut butter sarmie I just decided to have.
Onto other things, I didn't tell you last week that my new mommy friend that I picked up at the play venue texted me last week. She obviously didn't want to seem too desperate so she took her time. She asked if we could meet sometime for coffee. I said yes obviously, and told her I would contact her when I could, which I haven't done yet. Will definitely try for this week, but it's looking like a hectic one.
Since I turned 35, my age has really been bugging me. I really feel on the wrong side of 30. It's very different being closer to 40 then 30, and for the first time I find myself a bit nervous to tell people my age, especially these new young mommies. I mean, shouldn't a 35 year old be more mature then to make blind play dates? Shouldn't she already have a group of well established bosom buddies? Oh well , it is what it is, and I guess I have to take what I can get.
Little Baby Bird is 11 months today... where oh where has the year gone. She is ginormously cute and adorable. If you see her, you would also just want to eat her up.
Highlights coming up this week:
- more healthy eating
- a bit of gym - some fun classes with my sis, where I know she will burn more calories laughing at my lack of co-ordination then actually exercising
- a nice meeting with a client tomorrow for some new work (shoo!)
- learning Wordpress asap. Have a new site to do that the client actually thinks I am capable of doing in Wordpress - I'm not.
- doing my VAT. I really hate that, but on the bright side, I will be doing it in my new accounting software I bought, so just have to learn that as well, very quickly.
- Launching some new products in my online store
- meditation tomorrow. Geez, I really need help quick with the anger thing. It just flares up so quickly I don't even have time to think about all the techniques I've learnt.
- Finalising my floors asap.
Bye
Berry Freeze yum yum
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Tuesday, 2nd day of juicing, and it's been ok. Only had one juice today, plus a plate of roast veggies (yip, the ones that were meant for yesterday's dinner, but I got one of those impossible-to-resist Tashas invitation, so I had a delicious salad for my Monday meal). Also had 3 cups of coffee, a berry freeze after my meditation group, and a few macaroni's from my squirrel's lunch. So not the BEST juicing day, but not bad.
Meditation was great... For some reason there were lots of people there today. We've started a new book, which has a specific focus on anger. That's really what I need to sink my teeth into. So what I need to remember and focus on this week is that when I feel angry, I need to determine what it is that is making me feel this way, and what is the correct solution to apply to the problem. A great analogy was that if your car has broken down and you are angry about it, your problem is not that the car is broken because that has an external solution (call the AA, get a lift etc..). Your problem is only your anger at the situation, and that has an internal solution. I need to get my head around it, and in all the meditation lessons, I always try and apply it to my biggest frustration... my relationship. So much of what was said today is so so relevant to me. I won't be happy when I move into the mansion, or get lots more clients or more money or less kilos (well i will at least feel lighter with that last one!). External things cannot make you happy etc etc blah blah.. Love it!
New TO-Do: aim to do some more meditation, even a few minutes a day. Train my mind to be patient.
My new jewish friend from the meditation group asked me for coffee afterwards, so I had a half awkward rendezvous with him, a podiatrist, and an ageing baby-clothes designer... but a delicious berry freeze.
I'm so enjoying my kiddies. Just fun fun, but I had a bad morning being angry with the squirrel. He does little toddler things and I just get way more angry then I should, because other things are bugging me. So basically today, I took it out on him. NOT FAIR, and I will try my best to be patient and loving with him, so he doesn't continue to learn my behavior. He's an awesome little angel, with skinny arms and the longest eye-lashes... Just writing about him makes me smile
Anyway, off to bed for a few minutes with 'Transform Your Life' or my iPad, then beautiful sleep, and another bountiful day ahead tomorrow... hmm, i'm starting to sound to myself like all those people on Facebook that keep posting about their wonderful lives and kids and husbands etc... as if they are trying to convince themselves - but that's just me being cynical
Till next time peeps...
Meditation was great... For some reason there were lots of people there today. We've started a new book, which has a specific focus on anger. That's really what I need to sink my teeth into. So what I need to remember and focus on this week is that when I feel angry, I need to determine what it is that is making me feel this way, and what is the correct solution to apply to the problem. A great analogy was that if your car has broken down and you are angry about it, your problem is not that the car is broken because that has an external solution (call the AA, get a lift etc..). Your problem is only your anger at the situation, and that has an internal solution. I need to get my head around it, and in all the meditation lessons, I always try and apply it to my biggest frustration... my relationship. So much of what was said today is so so relevant to me. I won't be happy when I move into the mansion, or get lots more clients or more money or less kilos (well i will at least feel lighter with that last one!). External things cannot make you happy etc etc blah blah.. Love it!
New TO-Do: aim to do some more meditation, even a few minutes a day. Train my mind to be patient.
My new jewish friend from the meditation group asked me for coffee afterwards, so I had a half awkward rendezvous with him, a podiatrist, and an ageing baby-clothes designer... but a delicious berry freeze.
I'm so enjoying my kiddies. Just fun fun, but I had a bad morning being angry with the squirrel. He does little toddler things and I just get way more angry then I should, because other things are bugging me. So basically today, I took it out on him. NOT FAIR, and I will try my best to be patient and loving with him, so he doesn't continue to learn my behavior. He's an awesome little angel, with skinny arms and the longest eye-lashes... Just writing about him makes me smile
Anyway, off to bed for a few minutes with 'Transform Your Life' or my iPad, then beautiful sleep, and another bountiful day ahead tomorrow... hmm, i'm starting to sound to myself like all those people on Facebook that keep posting about their wonderful lives and kids and husbands etc... as if they are trying to convince themselves - but that's just me being cynical
Till next time peeps...
Let the juicing begin!
Monday, March 14, 2011
That's it, I'm at the point again where enough is enough! Time to diet, and I'm doing the 7-day jump start juicing program, which is basically 7 days of just juice. I tried it a couple of weeks back, and day 1 was difffficult, day 2 I woke up with a leap and thought, "Hey I can really do this!", but by lunchtime, my milk had dried up (still breastfeeding the Baby Bird). So I'm revising the program to include coffee - can't stand the headaches, and I'm not really in it for the detox, let's be honest. And I'm going to include one meal a day, instead of just all juice. And a healthy one at that (if possible) Tonight I'm planning a feast of roast veggies (which I love) so that should be ok. Its 20 past 11 am and I've had one cup of coffee, and my first juice... 5 carrots, 2 pears, 1 apple. Yum
So wish me luck Imaginary Readers!
So wish me luck Imaginary Readers!
7 Days later...
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
7 Days Later...
I'm not thinner, have no new friends, no new clients. So the To-Do list from last week is pretty much a flop so far.
I'm sitting outside on our fake grass watching my little boy playing with some soil and a spade, listening to the crunching from inside as Baby Thunder-Thighs bulldozes through the remains of a few cheese and chive organic chips. Nothing much to report really. Life is carrying on, and I am pretty much unhappy with the state of things. I really really need to change things around, and only I have the power to do it. And I really need to stop eating so much. Today I had a particularly bad bingeing day and I can't really say why, except that I just couldn't stop thinking about eating. Especially that bag of tumbles that I rushed out to buy at 4pm with the excuse of needing Ant Traps. I really have an addiction to food and eating and it really is a comfort issue for me and I really need to get over it. I have the classic symptoms... feel great while eating those tumbles, but feel like a fat fuck afterwards. And the worse I feel, the more I want to comfort myself... you see the problem?
So anyway: some things to look forward to:
PS. I really think I need to start the juicing thing again.... will tell you Imaginary Readers more about that later
I'm not thinner, have no new friends, no new clients. So the To-Do list from last week is pretty much a flop so far.
I'm sitting outside on our fake grass watching my little boy playing with some soil and a spade, listening to the crunching from inside as Baby Thunder-Thighs bulldozes through the remains of a few cheese and chive organic chips. Nothing much to report really. Life is carrying on, and I am pretty much unhappy with the state of things. I really really need to change things around, and only I have the power to do it. And I really need to stop eating so much. Today I had a particularly bad bingeing day and I can't really say why, except that I just couldn't stop thinking about eating. Especially that bag of tumbles that I rushed out to buy at 4pm with the excuse of needing Ant Traps. I really have an addiction to food and eating and it really is a comfort issue for me and I really need to get over it. I have the classic symptoms... feel great while eating those tumbles, but feel like a fat fuck afterwards. And the worse I feel, the more I want to comfort myself... you see the problem?
So anyway: some things to look forward to:
- trip to Madeira
- BFF coming in April for a visit
- Baby Bird's 1st birthday
- Big Boy's 3rd birthday (he wants blue cupcakes. Oh, and yellow ones and red ones.)
- A mansion to finish (went to look at taps and shower heads today)
- Meditation group tonight, and my sis meeting me afterwards for a cup of something.
- Cirque d'Soleil in 2 weeks
- New babies in the air
PS. I really think I need to start the juicing thing again.... will tell you Imaginary Readers more about that later
300 grams later
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
So first of all, a Happy Monday it was not. I got hungry. And that kind of ruined my eating less plan. Plus I got an offer I couldn't refuse... Quite simply, the words "do you want to go for lunch" screwed me. So thanks to my previously lauded sister and a 300 gram steak, I felt a little rounder then i would have liked. Plus there's the whole issue of my deteriorating bank account which I haven't even delved into yet. So even though it's Tuesday night, here is my to-do list for the week:
- eat less (which i just realised is a doomed plan, because the previously-lauded-sister is also cooking a 5 course girly dinner tomorrow night, plus i stopped at the petrol station today and bought a bag of tumbles and a flake. So I think 'eat less' should go under next week's Didn't-Do list
- do flyers to promote my business, A5 one colour. Was thinking of getting my mom's maid's daughter to go and hand them out.
- finish my website promo page
- setup my email database list (this will take hours and hours), but then I will have a list of potentially 5,000 people to send promos to.
- start designing my new budget range for [secretive] online shop
- email call some old clients to let them know i need work (in a less desperate sounding way)
- take my nanny to the doctor
- go see my new mansion and decide on the door-frame issue, and any last minute plugs
- pay for my fridge, gas hob and extractor
- finalise my cupboard designs so I can get final quotes
- do search engine submissions for my little squirrel's school website so that they can find more kids and he can also make new friends (like mommy)
- do animation for the toy website that is a real pain in the bee-hind
- pop in at the office so I seem like real-life boss should.
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