Not a happy post

New week, new day, new diet. I'm thinking maybe this blog could hold me accountable for what I eat, because it seems like nothing else does. Terrible to say, but how I feel about my weight affects so much of what I do all day. It really makes me crabby, and more prone to little outbursts. I always feel uncomfortable in my clothes (except my pjs pf course), and I'm sick sick sick of feeling ugly. My frigid, half-impotent 'fiance' is not at all interested in sex, and that has really led me to feel 100 time more crap about myself. In my head, I know that the problem is with him, and not with me, because I've had tons of great sex in my life, and I've had my boyfriends really lusting after me, but FOR FUCK'S SAKE, this guy has just never been interested. And I'm angry, angry angry about it, and I'm angry about my clothes not fitting, and its so easy to just do something about it. I will be a better person and better mother if just feel comfortable in my own skin, which I really don't at the moment. And you know what's worse: I'm a smart person, and I know better then to let such trivial, meaningless 5kgs control me so much... but also, as I write this, I think maybe more of it has to do with the fact that my partner has no physical interest in me, and it has really knocked my self-esteem down to the ground... I mean, apart from the occasional school-yard offer of a little 5am sex, (NO THANKS!! I don't have 5 minutes to spare!!)
Anyway, now is the time when I am certain I shall remain anonymous, and I will certainly regret writing this later, but I must keep in mind that this is supposed to be my virtual journal, so I AM GOING TO VENT. And I am going to eat healthily today, so tomorrow I can feel a small bit better.

In the meantime, let me cheer myself up with a little gratitude list:

• my angel children, that are so beautiful and healthy and precious and the loves of my lives.. I mean, why would I even ask for anything more then that?
• Opportunities: I am blessed to be able to change things in my life and work, and not to be trapped in circumstances like so many millions of people are.
• Getting the guts finally to go to a meditation group... It is helping me so much already to make some changes in my life.
• My sister: she know my ugliest thoughts and personality traits and makes me laugh about them
• A lovely nanny that I can trust to be with my children
• Unlimited ADSL
• New mansion that I am getting for free

That's it for now. Here's to a super Monday!