Not a happy post

New week, new day, new diet. I'm thinking maybe this blog could hold me accountable for what I eat, because it seems like nothing else does. Terrible to say, but how I feel about my weight affects so much of what I do all day. It really makes me crabby, and more prone to little outbursts. I always feel uncomfortable in my clothes (except my pjs pf course), and I'm sick sick sick of feeling ugly. My frigid, half-impotent 'fiance' is not at all interested in sex, and that has really led me to feel 100 time more crap about myself. In my head, I know that the problem is with him, and not with me, because I've had tons of great sex in my life, and I've had my boyfriends really lusting after me, but FOR FUCK'S SAKE, this guy has just never been interested. And I'm angry, angry angry about it, and I'm angry about my clothes not fitting, and its so easy to just do something about it. I will be a better person and better mother if just feel comfortable in my own skin, which I really don't at the moment. And you know what's worse: I'm a smart person, and I know better then to let such trivial, meaningless 5kgs control me so much... but also, as I write this, I think maybe more of it has to do with the fact that my partner has no physical interest in me, and it has really knocked my self-esteem down to the ground... I mean, apart from the occasional school-yard offer of a little 5am sex, (NO THANKS!! I don't have 5 minutes to spare!!)
Anyway, now is the time when I am certain I shall remain anonymous, and I will certainly regret writing this later, but I must keep in mind that this is supposed to be my virtual journal, so I AM GOING TO VENT. And I am going to eat healthily today, so tomorrow I can feel a small bit better.

In the meantime, let me cheer myself up with a little gratitude list:

• my angel children, that are so beautiful and healthy and precious and the loves of my lives.. I mean, why would I even ask for anything more then that?
• Opportunities: I am blessed to be able to change things in my life and work, and not to be trapped in circumstances like so many millions of people are.
• Getting the guts finally to go to a meditation group... It is helping me so much already to make some changes in my life.
• My sister: she know my ugliest thoughts and personality traits and makes me laugh about them
• A lovely nanny that I can trust to be with my children
• Unlimited ADSL
• New mansion that I am getting for free

That's it for now. Here's to a super Monday!

Get a Life

Ok, so as I've mentioned, I'm initiating my Social Development Program, which roughly translates to 'Get a Life and Get Some New Friends'

My attitude is pretty much: I've got nothing to lose.

So firstly, I joined a mommy's forum where I figured it would be easy to meet like-minded people (with kids) who perhaps also wanted to meet new people. Well that was easy... there seem to be loads of ladies similar to me, posting questions about teeth and poo and drool and 'does anyone want to meet' etc etc. I replied to some post requests from people in my area about meeting, and one lady seemed particularly interested. I really thought we'd hit it off because she sounded very friendly and both our kids are similar ages. So we emailed back and forth a couple of times, and I eventually suggested that we meet up the following week for a blind play date, and then I suddenly got the cold shoulder. I mean, was I being to pushy? Didn't she like me? This wasn't right! Was it me, not her? I couldn't help but take it personally, because there must be some reason she decided to stop the emails with all the exclamation marks and smiley faces :-(

So next up was going forth into the field. Yesterday I took my son to an indoor play venue. I invited 2 moms from his school, but both were busy which turned out to be a good thing, because I 'picked up' another new mommy friend. We eyed eachother out from a distance initially, and then luckily my little boy wanted to go jump on the trampoline so we ended up next to eachother. Small talk began, and I really thought she was nice. New in Jozi, home all day with her daughter etc etc, kind of hinting at how she could also do with some mommy friends... perfect! We went our own ways for a while and then I saw that she was preparing to leave so I walked over to say goodbye. Oh my goodness, what an awkward moment... I felt like I was on the dating scene again - just without the smudged mascara. She took out her phone and did some oohing and aahing about shopping with her daughter, and I nodded and sympathised, and then almost at once we both blurted out something about swopping numbers and meeting up again. Geez, I couldn't believe how silly I was behaving. So i gave her my number (and name - we'd been anonymous till then) and she said she'd call so we could meet up.

And here I am, a day later, wondering if she'll really call, and if she is thinking of me too. I mean, HELLOOOO? I'm not 22 and on the prowl. I'm 35.

It's amazed me how many people in this virtual mommy world are also trying to reach out to other people, but there is times a sense of desperation. Not me of course. I must say though, that's it's quite exhilarating, knowing that at any time in my bold new venture, I could meet someone that i really click with and find myself with a BNF (Brand New Friend!)

Ohmmmmm

Just back from my meditation group, feeling completely transformed, hopeful and revived. But tomorrow is another day I suppose.

Once again I can't decide which direction to go in with this blog. Random babbling seems the most likely, but I also really want to list and track my progress on a few things, like my journey in studying meditation and buddhism, my emancipation, my 'bucket-list', my dramatic weight-loss, my social-development program, my home decor, my craft projects, my fashion revival...

I can't actually concentrate because skynews is on in the background. I would go and write in bed, but my laptop battery only lasts 10 minutes, and blogger doesn't work on my iPad. So I think I'll just stop for now, and go run a lovely hot bath with a drop of rose or lavender oil, and start reading a real live book (which incidentally I haven't done since i got my ipad (which incidentally is my favourite battery operated gadget at the moment (which incidentally is a sign of the state of things)))

The new book, by the way, is a new purchase from the meditation centre. It has a very corny title; I cringe even thinking about typing it, and I can hear my sister mocking me in my head already, but I am off to Transform my Life!

Early Bird gets the worst

Lovely feeling, waking up early feeling refreshed. So i removed myself from the mild snoring that was going on next to me, crept past the 2 kiddies bedrooms, and came downstairs, only to find the lounge and kitchen in a Mess. A bowl of unfinished tuna & box of popcorn on the table, popcorn kernels all over the couch, empty mug. Aaargh.
Then into the kitchen, where the sight of the opened block of cheese left exposed on the counter just made the whole situation worse. The expensive woolies cheese I might add. I mean, how am I supposed to just 'sweat the small stuff' as my mom says? Am I meant to just quietly clean up if I want everything to be tidy.
I say not!
......pause to fetch crying baba from cot.........

I can spell

Dear Imaginary Readers

Before I go any further, let me say: I am a terrible typist, and this makes me look a bit stupid and dyslexic. I'm not.

I just try and type way too fast for my abilities, and I don't look at the screen at all, so by the time I am done, I look up to see a whole host of red underlined words, and most of the time I make the effort to go through them all, right click, and correct them, but it's such a pain. I think this should be one of my new to-do's... slow down on the typing, take it easy.

Anyway, I have a whole lot of stuff to rant about. I think I'm going to enjoy this blogging thing. I sort of imagine a whole lot of people out there eagerly awaiting my new posts, and giggling to themselves about how witty and brave I am. Again, I'm not. Brave would be to not be anonymous, but anonymous I must be, because it's truly a little embarrassing how screwy and out-of-control my life is at the moment.

But that's the point of this whole blog isn't it... to get my head in order. Can't wait.

It's going to be good.

Let the blahs begin...

So, here we go. I've been meaning to start journaling again... bought the book, bought some nice bic pens, but can't seem to get away from my laptop long enough to write anything much.
Lots to say, and hope to really try and figure my head out.
Deadline looming, but will be back.