I'm back peeps

Listening to an amazing new band I discovered... there are few things in life better then listening to great music that just fits the mood, the times, the work.
Feeling good.. I'm really learning to look on the bright side of life... Sometimes it gets the better of me, and I find myself engulfed again in the sadness and negativity, but I'm learning some really crucial life skills to deal with everything. The only thing I could never deal with is if something happens to someone in my family. The fear is sometimes very overwhelming, and I have to consciously drag my mind out of the bad place.
I love my family. My kids are ah-mazing - the cuteness is incredible. Sometimes I just have to stare at them open-mouthed in awe of the preciousness, wishing I could express to them and the world how my love-feeling for them feels like it will explode from my throat.

Most recent cuteness from my squirrel boy... we were driving home from school and I was dying of thirst, so I decided to stop at the petrol station to buy some drinks. I explained the whole plan to him - that I would park, race around to get him out of his carseat, and we would quickly get our drinks.. He tried his luck asking for an energade, but I offered him a can of juice, which is a great trick, because it's 100% fizz free fruit juice (the same he drinks out of cartons), but he really acts like he's getting a treat, and takes the can-drinking very seriously. The rest of the way home he slurped away and had a monologue about how he loves the juice, and how he loves purple cans, and then he asked me "Mommy, do you love my flavour?". At just about the same time, we stopped next to some signage with numbers:
Squirrel: Mommy, is that number 1
Me: No, that's a number 2. Maybe later Mommy will teach you some numbers...
Squirrel: Will you show me on skype?

...... Definite open-mouth moment.. my little angel.

Anyway, back to the work load.

I wish you all well :-)

I

Boo Hoo

So tears just streaming down my face this morning... One of those very sad episodes where I just couldn't control the steady flow, and my amazing, sweet, beautiful angel little squirrel says to me "Are you very sad Mommy?... Don't worry, cos I love you"
I mean, what more do I really need in life?

Two Words Tuesday

Walls Closing
New School
Client Crush
Silent Treatment
Fuck Off
Pressure's On
Party Planning
Hugging Rabbi

Sob-fest

What a weird day... not at all what I expected. But a chance meeting ended up having such an impact on my life, that it left me emotional and tearful. This post may be a sob-fest for me...

In a nutshell: I met new slide-client from last week to discuss a new job. Like I said before, I like him - we've spoken quite a bit on the phone since the job - he's easy to talk to etc etc...

This is going to be hard to explain.

We have quite an easy and open way of conversing, and I found myself looking quite forward to our meeting, not in a romantic way, but the idea of sitting with someone and having a nice, interesting conversation is so appealing to me. But there is some kind of weird tension between us, and today he just said to me, in between explain about all the boring work stuff.. "don't you feel we have some sort of connection?", and I just didn't know what to say, and he seemed quite taken aback by his own comment, and we were both a little dorky after that, but i left feeling so shaken up and emotional.

This is really going to be hard to explain.

Just yesterday after I got my threesome offer, I realised how much I have changed, and how bad I feel about myself. In all my previous relationships, despite their problems, I was always loved and cherished and respected. My partners had been in love with me, attracted to me, and I had felt like a confident strong woman. This current relationship has really left me (cue the dramatics) empty and broken. I have no self confidence, terrible self-esteem and i just hate myself basically. I hate that this Partner-person has let me get this way about myself (and yes, I can hear all the buddhists in the background saying, It's not about him, it's about you). I know I know, but What The Hell Was I Thinking. Partner-person has never ever (not an exaggeration) asked me ANYTHING about my life. Not "what music do you like", "what's your favourite movie" nothing. And I know this makes you all wonder "So what did you see in him? There must have been something?" Well no. He was and is the biggest mistake of my life, apart from the 2 amazing beautiful angel children he spawned. I might be sounding quite hard on him, because he is not an evil monster, but he is just so wrong for me, and I absolutely hatethe person I am when he is around.

But back to the story. 5 years ago I would have felt confident enough to consider a threesome, but yesterday the thought just terrified me. And it left me thinking if I would ever be able to open myself up to anyone again. At that moment I couldn't even imagine lying with one person and having him hold me or touch me without cringeing, and the thought made me very very sad at all that spark and magic I have lost, and it also made me angry, because I used to be such an affectionate and loving person in my romantic relationships, and now I go cold at the slightest touch from Partner-person. So today, when Slide-client was actually looking at me and asking me things about my life and myself, I just didn't know how to respond, and his comment about us having a connection just cracked something open in me... almost like there is a hope that I could be myself again, and that someday someone could actually cherish me. And I was and am so relieved and devastated that there is still that emotion in me, that I am not just all about anger and nastiness and ugliness. That there could still be some beauty and magic one day.
What also contributed to the emotion after my meeting, was that I now I have no doubt that I no longer want to be in this relationship. I have been so scared about that, wondering f I am making a mistake, and just scared of what the future will bring, but I just know, that I can no longer live in this empty hollow environment. I want to teach my children better. I want to show them what good feelings and good actions are about. And I am still terrified, because I will have to share them, and I don't want to be without them, and I am scared for them and sad for them and sad for me and sad for Partner-person. But I have to do this...

Like I said... sob-fest

More tomorrow

Two words Tuesday

Meditation Concentration
Be Now
Threesome Offer
New School
Rotting Carrots
Voetsek Mommy
Expensive Expenses
What Tiles
More Tutorials

Change Shmange

Sometimes things just seem like they don't change at all... all these months trying improve my list of things that need improving, and I am pretty much nowhere.

New friends: none
Thinner: no
Fashion revival: not thinner, so I just wear what fits
Emancipation: God help me, but nothing happening there except self-doubt
More work: YES YES YES!
Home decor: More work = No time for home decor.
Meditating and exploring buddhism: getting there slowly, and enjoying the journey.
Juicing: hmm, sitting with a 2.5kg bag of carrots in the fridge, so let's see how that goes tomorrow
Bucket-list: what bucket list?

Certain things make me happy, but I wouldn't say I'm in a happy place in my life at the moment. I really want to be the person I should be and be living the life I should be living. Damn, why is it so hard? We're all racing towards death, but we act like we have endless days to squander on sulking and complaining, and I am especially guilty. I keep saying "When this or that happens, then I will be happy", but that is really rubbish isn't it? I just want to have a peaceful and calm daily life and then I really believe that I can be start getting better, but I'm worried that I'm putting too much focus on that, and that once I'm alone, I'll still be a mean, angry person.
Anyway, not sure any of this makes sense, but at least the rant is over.
Goodnight imaginary readers

Two-words Tuesdays

So on quite a few of the blogs I follow, there are different 'day events', like 7 Things Sunday, and What-If Wednesday. I thought it was such a cute idea.. so cute that I wanted to secretly copy it in a cuter, cleverer way.

Then this morning, I wanted to write a post, but only 2 words, just to describe the way I was feeling. And an idea sparked to start my Two-word Tuesdays - a list of two word phrases to sum up how I'm feeling or what's going on. And I feel too guilty to pretend it's a totally original idea. So here goes my half-original, fairly cute, maybe sad idea:

Self-Loathing
Fat Ass
Give More
Eat Less
New Office
Be Kind
Jewish Vicks
Go Slower
Single Ornot?

Hmm, not sure this will work :-)

In a nutshell

..the weekend that is.

Friday night was a quiet one at home. I had been out Tuesday and Thursday night, and Little Squirrel has started asking me: "Are you going to the shops again mommy?". So I really wanted to spend some time reading him stories and cuddling. Early evening for me.

Saturday was spent at home alone with the kiddos, because Partner-Person kindly scraped his ass off the couch and went to move me out of my office (lease is up). The morning was so nice... played with the kiddos, put Baby Bird to sleep at 9 and then did some cooking with Little Squirrel. That all ended when Partner-person came home, and switched the tv on and annoyed the crap out of me. Seriously. Then in the evening there was a Man United party at my parents house. My dad is their biggest fan by the way. Seriously.

I wasn't in the best of moods by the time we got there, because PP (Partner-person) was just blabbing the whole day in my ear, LS (Little Squirrel) was whining and moaning, and for some reason my mom has been mean and cold towards me... long story.

I'm bored by my own post tonight, but I can't concentrate. I'm so sick of the tv being on ALL the time. I hate hate hate it. I think its sets such a bad example for the kids that they see the tv on first thing in the morning. What happened to keeping them motivated and doing stuff? F**&, I get so so angry just thinking of it. I'm angry that I'm sitting here with earphones listening to Adele just so that I don't have to listen to an analysis of Bin Laden's murder in the background. And the house looks like a bomb hit it. Get off your ass and clean it, you're thinking, right? Thing is, when I am home with the kids, I actually keep the house tidy. Today I was out the whole day and this is what I come home to. And FFFF, I just don't feel like cleaning so late on a Sunday night. Plus the maid is coming in a few hours, although I'm starting to get really embarrassed about the state of our house every Monday. Oh well, one thing at a time.

This morning I had a last minute meeting with a new client. We met at a coffee shop. Yesterday when we spoke, I joked about how we would recognise eachother so we briefly described ourselves. Mine was short, brown hair, brown eyes. His was medium, good looking, trendy, wearing sunglasses. Seriously. So I wasn't expecting to like him much, but turns out I do. To start with he's nice to look at, funny, honest, open. He bored me for a while about the work I had to do for him till I eventually stopped him and told him it wasn't really necessary for me to understand his business since it was all going over my head. I mean, business productivity, collaboration, improve efficiencies, EIMs, UIs, BPs, Zzzzzzzz. I told him to just give me the content and I will make it looks nice. I mean it's a few powerpoint slides for snoozing out loud! Anyway, he eventually asked how long it would take, as I had told him yesterday that my hourly rate was R450, so I said probably about 4-5 hours, and he said no, more like 10 hours, so I thought "okey-dokey-no-problemo", but said " Does that mean you're a difficult client who's not going to like what I do the first time? Anyway, moving on, we got onto our life stories somehow. I didn't want to give away too much about myself, especially when people want to know about my relationship. I don't even know myself what the status is officially... Married / Single / Disastrous. Anyway, he's a recently converted christian, following 19 years of a wild life, marriage, drugs, women, traveling, followed by rehab and restoration.
I had facebooked him last night to try and see what he looked like... What's that you say?.... Get a life? Anyway, he was the third "John Smith' on the page, and his wall was full of God posts, but the point of this part of the story is that I forgot to remind myself to pretend I don't know what he looked like, but as soon as he walked into the coffee shop I waved at him! [This would be the perfect place to type a LOL, but I just really can't bring myself to do that. I can't hee-hee, or hehehe, as some of my skype contacts do. I'll settle for a :-D )

Anyway again, I'm supposed to be working on his job, but it's confusing, even for a powerpoint slide. After we met, he sent a few texts.. snippets as follows: "I was thinking VERY DANGEROUS would work well, something 3 Dimensional", "Try to make is as simplistic, dynamic and Sexy...;)".

It's late now, new week coming up. Very exciting. I'm in a new office space, I have a few nice jobs this week. Worker Bee is going to have to sharpen up her designer sting this week, because we need some kickass stuff done. So so so many things I want to do, so so so many things I don't want to eat. Going nowhere fast with that situation. But I still love life and am so excited about all the opportunities that lie ahead. New starts. New friends. New projects. New jeans.

Chalk and Cheese

How the hell can 2 people be so incompatible? I really don't understand what my life lesson should be in this situation, except GET THE FUCK OUT!! Partner-person drives me nuts, and I drive me nuts. I hate the way I can't tolerate a thing he says. I behave so badly, and I'm so embarrassed by the things that I say. I feel like it's all his fault, but he doesn't force me to act the way I do and to say the things I say. I could rather try to just let the stupid fucking words go right over my head, in one ear and out the other, but OMG, I just. can't. tolerate. it.

Tonight's issue was that he says I have no idea how to discipline Little Squirrel, and that I am doing it all wrong. This is all because I threatened to take his toy away if he didn't listen to me, and then when he did his little naughty thing again, I took away his toy. Great follow-through I thought, but oh no. So of course Little Squirrel starts wailing about wanting his dolphin, so Partner-Person freaks about him squealing and crying, and tells him he will go and lock him in his room (I thought this was too much a hardcore version of time-out, so I commented under my breath). Anyway, it got out of hand, and I just hate hate hate it. It's been a while since we have argued in front of the kids, and I swear, I am not going to do it again. I have had enough! My opinion and having the last word should not be more important then the little wide eyes just staring at us.
WTF is wrong with me. I feel like a crap mother, and I just don't want to expose my kids anymore to this conflict.
FFFF!!!!! I'm so pissed off.

:-D

Man, it feels good to laugh. I really need to do it more.
Life like this is not the life for me.
I'm really going to focus again on my Social Development Program.

I
Need
To
Laugh
More

Tick Tock

3pm, and no judgement has been forthcoming yet. Not sure what time zone Judgement Day is scheduled for? Checked familyradio.com again... 00 days left, and NO 2012! I must say, I think it's the biggest crock of poo, but clearly I'm quite intrigued by it all. Probably because religion has come up a lot lately. My lovely American Baptist neighbours have for the 3rd time this week offered for me to join them in Bible study. I feel too bad, and I suppose a little guilty to tell them that I don't really believe in it much at all.

Anyway, I've been noticing a lot lately how people on Facebook are always going on and on about living for Fridays, and Oh Man, it's Monday again :-(. What the heck is up with that... wishing that 70% of your week will just fly by? Come on people! Stop complaining about the other 5 days of glorious time we are all given between Sunday and Saturday... Everyday is exciting (ok, except maybe Sunday nights - I get Sunday Night Anxiety). There just seem to be a lot of people out there who dread going to their jobs, and getting in the traffic, and taking kids to school, and whatever else... Shoo, I'm so lucky that I'm not one of them, and I'll do whatever it takes to make it stay like that.

So, kiddies are having their afternoon nap, Partner-person is out for the day.. so what to do with this one golden hour?...
• Watch Project Runway?
• Do my VAT... WTF you say? You still haven't done that?
No, I haven't.
• Self exploration winkwink?
• Read?

Will let you know what I decide.

Bye peeps

PS... I did end up reading in the bath last night, but I opted for a magazine.. so much lighter then a book, and smaller snippets to read :-). Oh, but I did squeeze in a game of Klondike on my cellphone.. Baby steps.

Friday night

Yip, Friday night, not dressed up, which is just as well because I have nowhere to go. Pretty much waiting for the kiddos to go to bed so I can have some quiet time which will no doubt involve some sort of gadget, and sadly not of the vibrating kind. Not sure if I mentioned it before, but I made a promise to myself to lay off the gadgets for a while. I really have an addiction to my laptop, cellphone and ipad, and I'm trying to regress myself to a time when I read real, made-of-paper books. A time when I played piano, and not Freecell on my cellphone, when I went to the bookshop to browse books and not to sit with my ipad and a skinny cappucino. So perhaps I'll actually lie in bed and read tonight, but then it will have to be a great book.

I'm in the middle of quite a few novels that just never seemed to grab me... Partner-person just finished reading Killing Kebble, and he was hooked from the first page to the last, so I might try that. I also have those 2 books I bought at my meditation group to finish... clearly why I haven't yet Transformed My Life.

[PAUSE TO GO AND PLAY CARS WITH MY LITTLE SQUIRREL]


2 hours later... kiddies in bed. All alone downstairs because Partner-person has gone to bed early, so I don't even have to try and bear the sounds of the crime channel in the background.

I randomly mentioned to him earlier that I could do with a really good shag, because much to my surprise, the nympho in me has been fighting to come out of hiding. I really felt like I would not have those stirrings for quite a while, but anyhoo, it's been on my mind lately. Could be something to with my concrete guy fantasy, but that's a blog for another day.

So anyway, Partner-person offered his version of a great shag but I declined. Which leaves me where?... Horny, cranky, angry, resentful. I'm in my mid-30s and I want to have sex and should be having Great Sex... so what should I do? AAARGGHH

9pm, off to have a bath, with a book (hold thumbs) but have to assess where I am with my reformation list that I mentioned a few posts ago.
Will look at that tomorrow.

Oh, and by the way, tomorrow (21 May) is the end of the world... the bible guarantees it. Can't believe these familyradio.com people have put billboards all over the place declaring that. They even have a counter ticking away the days on their website. Must remember to check what they have on the website on Sunday... that's if I'm still around.

Back to the blog

Well this has been a long time coming...want to write all the time but there has been something stopping me... who knows what.
But I'm happy to be back at the ranting and raving and bitching and moaning.

It's been a busy busy time and there is so much I want to share and release from my head.

Firstly.. a wow.

Wow!... in my blog stats it says that people in Russia and Malaysia and Canada have read my blog. Have no idea idea how they would have found me, but it sure is exciting.

Still going to my meditation group every week... it's definitely one of my favourite things to do (another fave is eating Tumbles). My jewish friend... time to give him a fake name... My jewish friend Hymie and I have got into a habit of having our post-meditation coffee, and I look forward to those as well, although I do think the crush may be developing. I can't bring myself to put him off by gushing about my fab fiancé, because there's only so much Hollywood in me. So i just mention his name every once in a while, but the details are kept quite vague. And for some strange reason, Hymie avoids asking anything about my relationship, even though he asks about everything else. This week he brought me 2 pot plants.. such a lovely surprise! He also brought a box of plants for our teacher to take to the center, but it still seems like a very thoughtful thing to do. Plus he mentioned taking me for lunch to a restaurant up the road from me. Plus he said he would carry the pot plants to the car for me (I declined). I don't feel the same anxiety I did with my dear Father Tight-Ass that made moves on me, because I don't think he is really interested in a romantic way. We are just the 2 most unlikely people to become friends, but it really just strikes me that at any point in our lives, we can meet new people that will have some sort of impact on us. It's a strange situation... need to give it more thought.

Anyway, distracted now by a bad sex-scene and lame dialogue on tv so I've lost my train of thought.

Off to bed... till tomorrow xox

Rabbi Carlos

I have really been enjoying the chats I have with my nice Jewish friend after our meditation class, but I'm starting to smell a crush in the air and it may be time to start feeling a little uncomfortable. Last week I rushed off after class for various reasons, but didn't get to say goodbye to him, even though we had agreed he would show me a book in the bookstore later on. So I felt bad, and texted him when I got home that I was sorry I rushed off without saying goodbye - he replied "missed you".

I decided to put it all behind me, and we went after today's class to have a look at the book he told me about and for a coffee afterwards. We had a really great chat and good cappucinos, but after we left he started walking me towards the entrance my car was parked at, and I said "OK bye, see you next week", but he replied, "I just want to see where you park because I park on the other side etc etc." I mean, WTF.

I just pointed to the entrance I was parked at said, "I'm over there somewhere... OK, till next week", or something similarly evasive. I mean, the whole incident just reeked of Father Carlos, circa 2001*. Oh, and he also offered me a room in Australia if I ever need to leave SA. Smell fishy? Of the herring kind?

Anyway, back to the real meaty issue of the evening: what I learnt at meditation. After least weeks lesson, I was determined to come back and blog about it so I could remind myself of all the great things I had been told. But I didn't. It was something about Patient Acceptance.. need to refresh my thoughts on that.

Today we went further into Patience, which is the direct opponent to Anger.. some great things she said, but I just couldn't concentrate much. Had thoughts of cancer the entire time I was supposed to be focusing on the sensation of air leaving my ostrils** . The lady behind me had been telling me about her breast cancer, and that the chemo wasn't so bad for her - that the anti-nausea tablets really helped. She also said that when she was having the chemo, the few hours that you are sitting there, you get to talk to all the other people that are sitting having chemo as well, so it can be very social, and almost like a support group. I really think he would benefit from speaking to people who are in the same situation as him. Anyway, just holding thumbs that he really gets his mind positive.

Supposed to be working now. Have made a decision to really focus on work, do quotes quickly, reply to emails quickly, and not spend money at all unnecessarily, and especially not to waste time. It's hard, because I do like the odd cappucino every few hours, but oh well, the sacrifices I have to make.

I WILL get my business back up and profitable again.
I WILL get new stunning clients.
I WILL juice again.
I WILL NOT buy tumbles again this week.
I WILL finish my VAT this week (can you actually believe it!!)
I WILL NOT waste time on FB and MM forum
I WILL practice Patient Acceptance.
I WILL go to sleep now.

Goodnight.


* A funny story about how my Catholic priest made very bold moves me... expensive lunches, perfume, kisses when no-one was around. Gross.

**Squirrels version of Nostrils

Faith like potatoes

I'm terrified and nervous. There are foreign evil things in my dad's body and I don't know what to do. I would gladly take on those fuckers if I could, because I believe that I have the mental strength and belief to heal myself if necessary. I really believe in the power of the mind, and I'm just scared that he doesn't. In my day dreams, he becomes all new-age and drinks smelly teas and chants and mingles with robe-wearing gurus and heals himself chop-chop. Not quite realistic.

Anyway, I just want the docs appointment to come tomorrow and for them to leave with a clear plan and not even more bad news. And most of all, I don't want my dad to get scared. I want him to feel positive, but realistic that it will difficult, but doable. I don't want him to lay his head down at night and feel like he is going to die. Well, we are all going to die aren't we? That thought is quite reassuring actually.

But faith.. now that's another story. People say, just have faith. Faith is just another name for positive thinking isn't it? Why does faith just have a reference to God and Jesus? I have faith in the power of the mind, in some sort of spiritual after-life, in some sort of God. Someone told me today: Just leave it in God's hands. What does that mean? Why would I leave it in God's hands. Why did God put the bad stuff in there in the first place? As I type that, I immediately feel my inherent catholic guilt rearing it's fiery head. The buddhists would say it's my dad's karma, but i don't get that. I understand Karma in terms of actions, but certainly not with this. Why is it my karma to suffer because my father who i love is sick? What actions of my dad's caused this to come back to him? I know I'm thinking of it too literally, and now I'm not making sense even to myself.

I don't know exactly what I believe right now, but I don't think I believe in a serene looking man in the clouds that loves us all and doesn't want us to suffer. My vote definitely goes more towards the thinking that our thoughts become action. We create our own realities... just look at me. Since I can remember, i have seen myself as middle aged and single, and look where I'm headed.


As a postscript to myself, my 2 followers and my Imaginary Readers, I must make it clear that everything I write is not written to try and be a good or witty writer, or to get reactions. I know it makes a difference when you know people are reading your posts, but it's important to me that I keep this blog about me and healing me and helping me, and not just for entertainment. I do love blogging though. Its so different to writing a journal. I read somewhere that you can export your blog and have it printed as a book. I would like to do that one day.


PS. VAT is about 10% done. Looks like I'll be paying penalties. F**K

Toilet time. iPad / Book?

The Big C

for Crap and Cancer and Can't do it and Catheter hell and Clean him up and Christ almighty and Chemo sucks and please please please let him be ok.

Little Miss Angry

So I want to recap what I heard tonight at my meditation group. Once again, it was like the whole lesson / talk was made just for me. I can't believe that what she says can be so relevant, and it's a little comforting knowing that others might be feeling the same way and be experiencing the same issues with anger.

Let me try and remember:
(and always, her examples make it so easy to understand)
If you are annoyed with your partner for not taking the garbage out, you look at that fault, and you exaggerate that fault (you say "You never do what I ask, you never take out the garbage!), and then you make that person feel like an the enemy (you look at them like you don;t even like them, and you don't at all see the person that you were attracted to in the first place), and then you want to do harm to them (because you see them as the enemy, but in reality, they are the same person as ever)...hmm, that doesn't sound right, nor does it make any sense. I think I need to sleep on it.

So tonight's beverage of choice was a Seattle Freeze. Another rendezvous with my elderly Jewish friend, but this time I actually enjoyed it. Seems like he sees it as a regular thing, because after the class he said, let's go get our coffee. Anyway, we had a nice conversation and I got to know a little more about him. I love hearing people's life stories, and about their families and ancestry. He's into horticulture and has a nursery, 3 kids and an ex-wife in Australia, and a wifey over here who might not go with him when he emigrates next year. A little distracting though, are the spiky white hairs growing out from the tip and ridge of his nose, but I try not to judge.

Got nowhere today with Vat and nowhere with tutorials, but its ok. Because I'm not angry and apparently if I practice what I am learning, I can get to a point where I never have to be angry again. And I believe I can do it. Out teacher is such a serene calm person. She just looks Happy. What's nice is that she's honest about herself, and tells us stories of her experiences with rage and jealousy etc etc. Anyway, I'm really going to try and notice the steps that lead to my anger getting out of control... because it's all about me, not him.

..and got a new book.. Here's anonymous me ready for a read. Another corny title, but there is such wisdom in those pages.

Now over to the real world and to do some late night work.. some admin methinks... Wish me luck!

Late start

New day, and I'm already running terrible late. Little squirrel still hasn't woken up and I was hoping to be showered and ready for my meeting so I could go straight from dropping him off. The nanny still hasn't arrived so that doesn't help either.

I hardly got anywhere with the Wordpress tutorials, and I realised that I'm lacking in a huge skill - PHP, so I switched over to that tutorial, but kept dozing off. I still have such a way to go before I'll be able to do t his rgent site that needs to get done this week.

As for my VAT - got nowhere with that. It's already the 22nd, and my accountant needs everything latest tomorrow. I have to input everything from November to Feb, in a new program I'm unfamiliar with, so yes, you guessed it - I'm screwed.

Annyywwaaayy, over to positive thinking mode...
My children are gorgeous and I can look forward to all the smiling they'll make me do. I'm still excited to learn my new programming skills and to see where they will take me, and I'm very excited to grow grow grow my business. And tonight is meditation, so I know I will at least come home this evening feeling hopeful that I can be a better person all the time.

Eff You See Kay

I was looking forward to a productive long weekend, but oh well, no such thing. Mostly because my dad landed himself an extended stay in hospital, giving us all a bit of a scare. So I spent most of the weekend there... even missed Cirque d'Soleil, which suddenly didn't seem to be that important. So the Bucket-List is also going nowhere fast.

It was a good eating week. Or should I say not-eating week. For once I managed to control my man-sized appetite. I had coffee, juices, no bread or pasta at all, just veggies and some protein. Oops, and a pizza on Friday night. So with all that effort put in, I was really expecting to be rewarded with a skinny physique this morning, but apparently these things take time. So only 1kg less and less bloated, I'll carry on going, and will gracefully choose to ignore the peanut butter sarmie I just decided to have.

Onto other things, I didn't tell you last week that my new mommy friend that I picked up at the play venue texted me last week. She obviously didn't want to seem too desperate so she took her time. She asked if we could meet sometime for coffee. I said yes obviously, and told her I would contact her when I could, which I haven't done yet. Will definitely try for this week, but it's looking like a hectic one.

Since I turned 35, my age has really been bugging me. I really feel on the wrong side of 30. It's very different being closer to 40 then 30, and for the first time I find myself a bit nervous to tell people my age, especially these new young mommies. I mean, shouldn't a 35 year old be more mature then to make blind play dates? Shouldn't she already have a group of well established bosom buddies? Oh well , it is what it is, and I guess I have to take what I can get.

Little Baby Bird is 11 months today... where oh where has the year gone. She is ginormously cute and adorable. If you see her, you would also just want to eat her up.

Highlights coming up this week:

• more healthy eating
• a bit of gym - some fun classes with my sis, where I know she will burn more calories laughing at my lack of co-ordination then actually exercising
• a nice meeting with a client tomorrow for some new work (shoo!)
• learning Wordpress asap. Have a new site to do that the client actually thinks I am capable of doing in Wordpress - I'm not.
• doing my VAT. I really hate that, but on the bright side, I will be doing it in my new accounting software I bought, so just have to learn that as well, very quickly.
• Launching some new products in my online store
• meditation tomorrow. Geez, I really need help quick with the anger thing. It just flares up so quickly I don't even have time to think about all the techniques I've learnt.
• Finalising my floors asap.

Where am I going to find time for all of this? Baby Bird is awake so I have to go pick her up and play play play. It's fun, but I certainly won't be closer to getting any work done. Try again later.
Bye

Berry Freeze yum yum

Tuesday, 2nd day of juicing, and it's been ok. Only had one juice today, plus a plate of roast veggies (yip, the ones that were meant for yesterday's dinner, but I got one of those impossible-to-resist Tashas invitation, so I had a delicious salad for my Monday meal). Also had 3 cups of coffee, a berry freeze after my meditation group, and a few macaroni's from my squirrel's lunch. So not the BEST juicing day, but not bad.

Meditation was great... For some reason there were lots of people there today. We've started a new book, which has a specific focus on anger. That's really what I need to sink my teeth into. So what I need to remember and focus on this week is that when I feel angry, I need to determine what it is that is making me feel this way, and what is the correct solution to apply to the problem. A great analogy was that if your car has broken down and you are angry about it, your problem is not that the car is broken because that has an external solution (call the AA, get a lift etc..). Your problem is only your anger at the situation, and that has an internal solution. I need to get my head around it, and in all the meditation lessons, I always try and apply it to my biggest frustration... my relationship. So much of what was said today is so so relevant to me. I won't be happy when I move into the mansion, or get lots more clients or more money or less kilos (well i will at least feel lighter with that last one!). External things cannot make you happy etc etc blah blah.. Love it!
New TO-Do: aim to do some more meditation, even a few minutes a day. Train my mind to be patient.
My new jewish friend from the meditation group asked me for coffee afterwards, so I had a half awkward rendezvous with him, a podiatrist, and an ageing baby-clothes designer... but a delicious berry freeze.

I'm so enjoying my kiddies. Just fun fun, but I had a bad morning being angry with the squirrel. He does little toddler things and I just get way more angry then I should, because other things are bugging me. So basically today, I took it out on him. NOT FAIR, and I will try my best to be patient and loving with him, so he doesn't continue to learn my behavior. He's an awesome little angel, with skinny arms and the longest eye-lashes... Just writing about him makes me smile

Anyway, off to bed for a few minutes with 'Transform Your Life' or my iPad, then beautiful sleep, and another bountiful day ahead tomorrow... hmm, i'm starting to sound to myself like all those people on Facebook that keep posting about their wonderful lives and kids and husbands etc... as if they are trying to convince themselves - but that's just me being cynical

Till next time peeps...

Let the juicing begin!

That's it, I'm at the point again where enough is enough! Time to diet, and I'm doing the 7-day jump start juicing program, which is basically 7 days of just juice. I tried it a couple of weeks back, and day 1 was difffficult, day 2 I woke up with a leap and thought, "Hey I can really do this!", but by lunchtime, my milk had dried up (still breastfeeding the Baby Bird). So I'm revising the program to include coffee - can't stand the headaches, and I'm not really in it for the detox, let's be honest. And I'm going to include one meal a day, instead of just all juice. And a healthy one at that (if possible) Tonight I'm planning a feast of roast veggies (which I love) so that should be ok. Its 20 past 11 am and I've had one cup of coffee, and my first juice... 5 carrots, 2 pears, 1 apple. Yum

So wish me luck Imaginary Readers!

7 Days later...

7 Days Later...
I'm not thinner, have no new friends, no new clients. So the To-Do list from last week is pretty much a flop so far.

I'm sitting outside on our fake grass watching my little boy playing with some soil and a spade, listening to the crunching from inside as Baby Thunder-Thighs bulldozes through the remains of a few cheese and chive organic chips. Nothing much to report really. Life is carrying on, and I am pretty much unhappy with the state of things. I really really need to change things around, and only I have the power to do it. And I really need to stop eating so much. Today I had a particularly bad bingeing day and I can't really say why, except that I just couldn't stop thinking about eating. Especially that bag of tumbles that I rushed out to buy at 4pm with the excuse of needing Ant Traps. I really have an addiction to food and eating and it really is a comfort issue for me and I really need to get over it. I have the classic symptoms... feel great while eating those tumbles, but feel like a fat fuck afterwards. And the worse I feel, the more I want to comfort myself... you see the problem?

So anyway: some things to look forward to:

• trip to Madeira
• BFF coming in April for a visit
• Baby Bird's 1st birthday
• Big Boy's 3rd birthday (he wants blue cupcakes. Oh, and yellow ones and red ones.)
• A mansion to finish (went to look at taps and shower heads today)
  
• Meditation group tonight, and my sis meeting me afterwards for a cup of something.
• Cirque d'Soleil in 2 weeks
• New babies in the air

So not sure where this blog leaves me, but hopefully a few rice cakes closer to happiness.

PS. I really think I need to start the juicing thing again.... will tell you Imaginary Readers more about that later

300 grams later

So first of all, a Happy Monday it was not. I got hungry. And that kind of ruined my eating less plan. Plus I got an offer I couldn't refuse... Quite simply, the words "do you want to go for lunch" screwed me. So thanks to my previously lauded sister and a 300 gram steak, I felt a little rounder then i would have liked. Plus there's the whole issue of my deteriorating bank account which I haven't even delved into yet. So even though it's Tuesday night, here is my to-do list for the week:

• eat less (which i just realised is a doomed plan, because the previously-lauded-sister is also cooking a 5 course girly dinner tomorrow night, plus i stopped at the petrol station today and bought a bag of tumbles and a flake. So I think 'eat less' should go under next week's Didn't-Do list
  
• do flyers to promote my business, A5 one colour. Was thinking of getting my mom's maid's daughter to go and hand them out.
  
• finish my website promo page
• setup my email database list (this will take hours and hours), but then I will have a list of potentially 5,000 people to send promos to.
• start designing my new budget range for [secretive] online shop
• email call some old clients to let them know i need work (in a less desperate sounding way)
• take my nanny to the doctor
• go see my new mansion and decide on the door-frame issue, and any last minute plugs
• pay for my fridge, gas hob and extractor
• finalise my cupboard designs so I can get final quotes
• do search engine submissions for my little squirrel's school website so that they can find more kids and he can also make new friends (like mommy)
• do animation for the toy website that is a real pain in the bee-hind
• pop in at the office so I seem like real-life boss should.

I could go on and on, but I now need to go to the loo quite desperately.. gotta run

Not a happy post

New week, new day, new diet. I'm thinking maybe this blog could hold me accountable for what I eat, because it seems like nothing else does. Terrible to say, but how I feel about my weight affects so much of what I do all day. It really makes me crabby, and more prone to little outbursts. I always feel uncomfortable in my clothes (except my pjs pf course), and I'm sick sick sick of feeling ugly. My frigid, half-impotent 'fiance' is not at all interested in sex, and that has really led me to feel 100 time more crap about myself. In my head, I know that the problem is with him, and not with me, because I've had tons of great sex in my life, and I've had my boyfriends really lusting after me, but FOR FUCK'S SAKE, this guy has just never been interested. And I'm angry, angry angry about it, and I'm angry about my clothes not fitting, and its so easy to just do something about it. I will be a better person and better mother if just feel comfortable in my own skin, which I really don't at the moment. And you know what's worse: I'm a smart person, and I know better then to let such trivial, meaningless 5kgs control me so much... but also, as I write this, I think maybe more of it has to do with the fact that my partner has no physical interest in me, and it has really knocked my self-esteem down to the ground... I mean, apart from the occasional school-yard offer of a little 5am sex, (NO THANKS!! I don't have 5 minutes to spare!!)
Anyway, now is the time when I am certain I shall remain anonymous, and I will certainly regret writing this later, but I must keep in mind that this is supposed to be my virtual journal, so I AM GOING TO VENT. And I am going to eat healthily today, so tomorrow I can feel a small bit better.

In the meantime, let me cheer myself up with a little gratitude list:

• my angel children, that are so beautiful and healthy and precious and the loves of my lives.. I mean, why would I even ask for anything more then that?
• Opportunities: I am blessed to be able to change things in my life and work, and not to be trapped in circumstances like so many millions of people are.
• Getting the guts finally to go to a meditation group... It is helping me so much already to make some changes in my life.
• My sister: she know my ugliest thoughts and personality traits and makes me laugh about them
• A lovely nanny that I can trust to be with my children
• Unlimited ADSL
• New mansion that I am getting for free

That's it for now. Here's to a super Monday!

Get a Life

Ok, so as I've mentioned, I'm initiating my Social Development Program, which roughly translates to 'Get a Life and Get Some New Friends'

My attitude is pretty much: I've got nothing to lose.

So firstly, I joined a mommy's forum where I figured it would be easy to meet like-minded people (with kids) who perhaps also wanted to meet new people. Well that was easy... there seem to be loads of ladies similar to me, posting questions about teeth and poo and drool and 'does anyone want to meet' etc etc. I replied to some post requests from people in my area about meeting, and one lady seemed particularly interested. I really thought we'd hit it off because she sounded very friendly and both our kids are similar ages. So we emailed back and forth a couple of times, and I eventually suggested that we meet up the following week for a blind play date, and then I suddenly got the cold shoulder. I mean, was I being to pushy? Didn't she like me? This wasn't right! Was it me, not her? I couldn't help but take it personally, because there must be some reason she decided to stop the emails with all the exclamation marks and smiley faces :-(

So next up was going forth into the field. Yesterday I took my son to an indoor play venue. I invited 2 moms from his school, but both were busy which turned out to be a good thing, because I 'picked up' another new mommy friend. We eyed eachother out from a distance initially, and then luckily my little boy wanted to go jump on the trampoline so we ended up next to eachother. Small talk began, and I really thought she was nice. New in Jozi, home all day with her daughter etc etc, kind of hinting at how she could also do with some mommy friends... perfect! We went our own ways for a while and then I saw that she was preparing to leave so I walked over to say goodbye. Oh my goodness, what an awkward moment... I felt like I was on the dating scene again - just without the smudged mascara. She took out her phone and did some oohing and aahing about shopping with her daughter, and I nodded and sympathised, and then almost at once we both blurted out something about swopping numbers and meeting up again. Geez, I couldn't believe how silly I was behaving. So i gave her my number (and name - we'd been anonymous till then) and she said she'd call so we could meet up.

And here I am, a day later, wondering if she'll really call, and if she is thinking of me too. I mean, HELLOOOO? I'm not 22 and on the prowl. I'm 35.

It's amazed me how many people in this virtual mommy world are also trying to reach out to other people, but there is times a sense of desperation. Not me of course. I must say though, that's it's quite exhilarating, knowing that at any time in my bold new venture, I could meet someone that i really click with and find myself with a BNF (Brand New Friend!)

Ohmmmmm

Just back from my meditation group, feeling completely transformed, hopeful and revived. But tomorrow is another day I suppose.

Once again I can't decide which direction to go in with this blog. Random babbling seems the most likely, but I also really want to list and track my progress on a few things, like my journey in studying meditation and buddhism, my emancipation, my 'bucket-list', my dramatic weight-loss, my social-development program, my home decor, my craft projects, my fashion revival...

I can't actually concentrate because skynews is on in the background. I would go and write in bed, but my laptop battery only lasts 10 minutes, and blogger doesn't work on my iPad. So I think I'll just stop for now, and go run a lovely hot bath with a drop of rose or lavender oil, and start reading a real live book (which incidentally I haven't done since i got my ipad (which incidentally is my favourite battery operated gadget at the moment (which incidentally is a sign of the state of things)))

The new book, by the way, is a new purchase from the meditation centre. It has a very corny title; I cringe even thinking about typing it, and I can hear my sister mocking me in my head already, but I am off to Transform my Life!

Early Bird gets the worst

Lovely feeling, waking up early feeling refreshed. So i removed myself from the mild snoring that was going on next to me, crept past the 2 kiddies bedrooms, and came downstairs, only to find the lounge and kitchen in a Mess. A bowl of unfinished tuna & box of popcorn on the table, popcorn kernels all over the couch, empty mug. Aaargh.
Then into the kitchen, where the sight of the opened block of cheese left exposed on the counter just made the whole situation worse. The expensive woolies cheese I might add. I mean, how am I supposed to just 'sweat the small stuff' as my mom says? Am I meant to just quietly clean up if I want everything to be tidy.
I say not!
......pause to fetch crying baba from cot.........

I can spell

Dear Imaginary Readers

Before I go any further, let me say: I am a terrible typist, and this makes me look a bit stupid and dyslexic. I'm not.

I just try and type way too fast for my abilities, and I don't look at the screen at all, so by the time I am done, I look up to see a whole host of red underlined words, and most of the time I make the effort to go through them all, right click, and correct them, but it's such a pain. I think this should be one of my new to-do's... slow down on the typing, take it easy.

Anyway, I have a whole lot of stuff to rant about. I think I'm going to enjoy this blogging thing. I sort of imagine a whole lot of people out there eagerly awaiting my new posts, and giggling to themselves about how witty and brave I am. Again, I'm not. Brave would be to not be anonymous, but anonymous I must be, because it's truly a little embarrassing how screwy and out-of-control my life is at the moment.

But that's the point of this whole blog isn't it... to get my head in order. Can't wait.

It's going to be good.

Let the blahs begin...

So, here we go. I've been meaning to start journaling again... bought the book, bought some nice bic pens, but can't seem to get away from my laptop long enough to write anything much.
Lots to say, and hope to really try and figure my head out.
Deadline looming, but will be back.