Sing Hallelujah!

Well, Holy Hell... I'm free, eMANcipated, alone at last.

Partner person has left the building!

Early October was the departure date. I took the kiddies away so that they wouldn't be around for the actual move, which wasn't that dramatic actually, since we agreed that Partner-person (hah! need a new name) should move to a furnished place to avoid the trauma of packing boxes, buying stuff etc. Who cares, he's gone.

And I have No. Regrets.

It's as if I was always meant to be living this way. I don't even care about the all the years I've wasted. That wise nation called 'They', say that I will one day see the reason for all this. I can't even imagine what it may be. Yes, yes, I have beautiful amazing, one-of-a-kind children. But who are we kidding. I could have had equally amazing kids with a kind-hearted gentle soul who once in a while rocked my world.

Long story short: I started off being very concerned and considerate about his feelings. He really took it hard, almost as if I had only told him the week before to eff-off. It was very hard to see, and I felt a huge burden from his emotions. I always knew that would be the hardest part for me.

A small part was scared that I would suddenly realise that all these years I had been fooling myself; that I really did want to be with him. But no, not the case at all.

I'm really quite bored writing about all this. I'm so over it. It consumed me for so long, that I can't be bothered to evaluate the meaning of it all.

It's done, I'm glad, now time to get on with the next phase of my life. (cue list)

Next phase includes the following:

• Health
• Wealth
• Happiness

To elaborate:

• Now that I don't have partner-person to blame anymore about making me comfort eat, it's time to slim down, and firm up... Excuse me for a minute while I out away this bag of nik-naks
• Flip! I need to freaking make some more money! Business has been bad. I have focused all my attentions onto another venture, which has caused my business to wither away.. Time to refocus, work smart, and pay the damn bills on time.
• Hmmm... will think about this one. 

Time flies when you're having a shit time

Well holy hell, it really has been a long time, and didn't I get the surprise of my life revisiting my blog and re-reading all my posts... These are the main points that have occurred to me.

• my father took us all by total surprise and died. That wasn't supposed to happen.
• partner person is STILL around, and I can't believe I have been so miserable about it for so long
• i love how i wrote about my kids, because for a long time I was feeling like a really crappy mother
• i'm surprised by how positive i was, some of the time. That is such an unfamiliar feeling. The surprise part is that my attitude has deteriorated so quickly. I feel like it was a long time ago that I used to look forward to mondays, but it was just over a year ago.
• also suprised by how i was able to give myself pep-talks... also very unfamiliar now. 
• ..... and this all cements how important is for me to actually track events, emotions, conversations..

More later... kids watching ratatouillle, so the noise is distracting, plus it's naptime for them, so need to go do that

Stop wasting time you whiny cow

So, once again I say I'm back. Not sure for how long.

Just spent an immense amount of time browsing Pinterest which is my new online indulgence. It makes me feel so inspired and creative, even though I've just been sitting behind my laptop for 2 hours. This is otherwise known as wasting time.

Life is a big shit-fest, but by now you must think I'm a totally negative, lazy person. I'm not. I'm just not where I need to be, and certainly not behaving how I want to behave.

I'm bored by all my complaining. Immensely bored. I'm bored planning the same old things, trying to make the same old changes. I'm bored having the same problems. I'm utterly comatose by having the same arguments and trying the same diets.

This could be what they call a Rut.

Yes, that's me... in Rutsville, Boredtown, Yawn City.

So what do I love at the moment? Obvs my squirrel and angel face. Believe me when I tell you there are no two cuter mini-people on the planet. I love my family (boring), I love my house (boring), I love chocolate (boring), I love my work (boring). Not to say these things and people are boring - it's just a cliché.

I just feel if I write this list in 5 years it will be the same. I would love to love running (exhilarating), love my new jewellery range (stunning), love my new energy (reviving), love my clean car (enlightening).

But now i've gone full circle... back to just sounding that I am so dissatisfied with my life, which is in fact, let's face it, pretty damn awesome!

Fresh Start, Old Heart

Crappy New Year!

Let's just say life never turns out the way you expect. Here I am sitting in my brand new mini-mansion, with probably zero items having being achieved from last years to-do list. In fact, I feel in some ways I'm worse off.

My dad is very ill... after having beaten cancer (Yes.. Cancer can be Beaten!), he deteriorated due to a post-op infection and had a stroke, and is now unable to really communicate with us. 

I want him back.

Due to spending the hols doing 2-3 hospital visits a day, I didn't get anything done that I wanted, so I feel like I'm starting the work year exactly where I left off... chaotic, disorganised & unproductive.

Moved house,and partner-person moved with, and I'm so resentful! More about that later

And then I sit here feeling like a spoilt ungrateful brat, who is just whining and complaining.

Enough said for now.

I'm back peeps

Listening to an amazing new band I discovered... there are few things in life better then listening to great music that just fits the mood, the times, the work.
Feeling good.. I'm really learning to look on the bright side of life... Sometimes it gets the better of me, and I find myself engulfed again in the sadness and negativity, but I'm learning some really crucial life skills to deal with everything. The only thing I could never deal with is if something happens to someone in my family. The fear is sometimes very overwhelming, and I have to consciously drag my mind out of the bad place.
I love my family. My kids are ah-mazing - the cuteness is incredible. Sometimes I just have to stare at them open-mouthed in awe of the preciousness, wishing I could express to them and the world how my love-feeling for them feels like it will explode from my throat.

Most recent cuteness from my squirrel boy... we were driving home from school and I was dying of thirst, so I decided to stop at the petrol station to buy some drinks. I explained the whole plan to him - that I would park, race around to get him out of his carseat, and we would quickly get our drinks.. He tried his luck asking for an energade, but I offered him a can of juice, which is a great trick, because it's 100% fizz free fruit juice (the same he drinks out of cartons), but he really acts like he's getting a treat, and takes the can-drinking very seriously. The rest of the way home he slurped away and had a monologue about how he loves the juice, and how he loves purple cans, and then he asked me "Mommy, do you love my flavour?". At just about the same time, we stopped next to some signage with numbers:
Squirrel: Mommy, is that number 1
Me: No, that's a number 2. Maybe later Mommy will teach you some numbers...
Squirrel: Will you show me on skype?

...... Definite open-mouth moment.. my little angel.

Anyway, back to the work load.

I wish you all well :-)

I

Boo Hoo

So tears just streaming down my face this morning... One of those very sad episodes where I just couldn't control the steady flow, and my amazing, sweet, beautiful angel little squirrel says to me "Are you very sad Mommy?... Don't worry, cos I love you"
I mean, what more do I really need in life?

Two Words Tuesday

Walls Closing
New School
Client Crush
Silent Treatment
Fuck Off
Pressure's On
Party Planning
Hugging Rabbi

Sob-fest

What a weird day... not at all what I expected. But a chance meeting ended up having such an impact on my life, that it left me emotional and tearful. This post may be a sob-fest for me...

In a nutshell: I met new slide-client from last week to discuss a new job. Like I said before, I like him - we've spoken quite a bit on the phone since the job - he's easy to talk to etc etc...

This is going to be hard to explain.

We have quite an easy and open way of conversing, and I found myself looking quite forward to our meeting, not in a romantic way, but the idea of sitting with someone and having a nice, interesting conversation is so appealing to me. But there is some kind of weird tension between us, and today he just said to me, in between explain about all the boring work stuff.. "don't you feel we have some sort of connection?", and I just didn't know what to say, and he seemed quite taken aback by his own comment, and we were both a little dorky after that, but i left feeling so shaken up and emotional.

This is really going to be hard to explain.

Just yesterday after I got my threesome offer, I realised how much I have changed, and how bad I feel about myself. In all my previous relationships, despite their problems, I was always loved and cherished and respected. My partners had been in love with me, attracted to me, and I had felt like a confident strong woman. This current relationship has really left me (cue the dramatics) empty and broken. I have no self confidence, terrible self-esteem and i just hate myself basically. I hate that this Partner-person has let me get this way about myself (and yes, I can hear all the buddhists in the background saying, It's not about him, it's about you). I know I know, but What The Hell Was I Thinking. Partner-person has never ever (not an exaggeration) asked me ANYTHING about my life. Not "what music do you like", "what's your favourite movie" nothing. And I know this makes you all wonder "So what did you see in him? There must have been something?" Well no. He was and is the biggest mistake of my life, apart from the 2 amazing beautiful angel children he spawned. I might be sounding quite hard on him, because he is not an evil monster, but he is just so wrong for me, and I absolutely hatethe person I am when he is around.

But back to the story. 5 years ago I would have felt confident enough to consider a threesome, but yesterday the thought just terrified me. And it left me thinking if I would ever be able to open myself up to anyone again. At that moment I couldn't even imagine lying with one person and having him hold me or touch me without cringeing, and the thought made me very very sad at all that spark and magic I have lost, and it also made me angry, because I used to be such an affectionate and loving person in my romantic relationships, and now I go cold at the slightest touch from Partner-person. So today, when Slide-client was actually looking at me and asking me things about my life and myself, I just didn't know how to respond, and his comment about us having a connection just cracked something open in me... almost like there is a hope that I could be myself again, and that someday someone could actually cherish me. And I was and am so relieved and devastated that there is still that emotion in me, that I am not just all about anger and nastiness and ugliness. That there could still be some beauty and magic one day.
What also contributed to the emotion after my meeting, was that I now I have no doubt that I no longer want to be in this relationship. I have been so scared about that, wondering f I am making a mistake, and just scared of what the future will bring, but I just know, that I can no longer live in this empty hollow environment. I want to teach my children better. I want to show them what good feelings and good actions are about. And I am still terrified, because I will have to share them, and I don't want to be without them, and I am scared for them and sad for them and sad for me and sad for Partner-person. But I have to do this...

Like I said... sob-fest

More tomorrow

Two words Tuesday

Meditation Concentration
Be Now
Threesome Offer
New School
Rotting Carrots
Voetsek Mommy
Expensive Expenses
What Tiles
More Tutorials

Change Shmange

Sometimes things just seem like they don't change at all... all these months trying improve my list of things that need improving, and I am pretty much nowhere.

New friends: none
Thinner: no
Fashion revival: not thinner, so I just wear what fits
Emancipation: God help me, but nothing happening there except self-doubt
More work: YES YES YES!
Home decor: More work = No time for home decor.
Meditating and exploring buddhism: getting there slowly, and enjoying the journey.
Juicing: hmm, sitting with a 2.5kg bag of carrots in the fridge, so let's see how that goes tomorrow
Bucket-list: what bucket list?

Certain things make me happy, but I wouldn't say I'm in a happy place in my life at the moment. I really want to be the person I should be and be living the life I should be living. Damn, why is it so hard? We're all racing towards death, but we act like we have endless days to squander on sulking and complaining, and I am especially guilty. I keep saying "When this or that happens, then I will be happy", but that is really rubbish isn't it? I just want to have a peaceful and calm daily life and then I really believe that I can be start getting better, but I'm worried that I'm putting too much focus on that, and that once I'm alone, I'll still be a mean, angry person.
Anyway, not sure any of this makes sense, but at least the rant is over.
Goodnight imaginary readers